The British Way to Give a Cat a Pill

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down remove ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for SPCA to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

A Cat's Apology

Dear Dog,
I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break; the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint...
Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings towards you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.
Best regards,
The Cat

Cat Medical Dictionary

I think I have a medical career ahead of me. Lately I have been dissecting rodents on my late night cat patrols. Up until now the Big Owner was never impressed with my simply leaving said rodents at his doorstep. Now I fillet the creatures for his convenience hoping he will throw one on the barbeque for the family to enjoy. So far there’s been no luck. Still, I am honing my scalpel skills. Don’t laugh! Cats have practiced medicine long before humans. Many of today's modern medical terms were based on original terminology from the very first Cat Medical Dictionary.

• Enema: The black cat next door ... He's not my friend, he's my enema.
• Biofeedback: Coughing up two hairballs in one night.
• Biohazard: Stepping in both aforementioned hairballs.
• Cat Scan: Do I *really* have to explain that one?
• Electroshock Therapy: Accidentally walking on the electric stove while it is on.
• Hemad: Mood of the Big Owner when I drop a hairball on the carpet. In fact, he's always mad.
• Histamine: A mean hiss.
• Mucus: A feline swear word.
• Perspire: Purring so hard you drool from the mouth.
• False Positive: Pouring fresh litter over the old to make it appear new.
• White Cell: The bathroom – Where humans sometimes lock you up.
• Work-Up: The long minutes preparing to free a hairball.
• Acute: What I am...Acute Cat.
• Fuzzy logic: Trying to figure out cat medical terms.

From Cat Diary #3 by Mark Mason. This is part of a great collection of great cat stories, told from the cat's perspective. For more information or to sign up for the weekly Cat Diary

Cat Definitions

• Aquarium: interactive television for cats.
• Cat: 1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer.
         2. a four footed allergen.
         3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
         4. a small, furry lap fungus.
         5. a treat-seeking missile.
         6. a wildlife control expert.
         7. one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes.
         8. a hair relocation expert.
         9. an unprogrammable animal.
• Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.
• Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.
• Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.
• Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.
• Dog: a cat's device for running practice.
• Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.
• Energy: the element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until you try to play with them.
• Human: an automatic door opener for cats.
• Impurrsonate: to act like the cat.
• Kitten: a small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two.
• Purrade: an organized march of cats.
• Purradise: the garden of Cats.
• Purramour: a cat lover.
• Purranoia: the fear that your cat is up to something.
• Purraphernalia: a cat's personal belongings.
• Purrch: any favored feline napping spot.
• Purrchase: anything bought for a cat.
• Purrfume: the scent of an open can of tuna.
• Purrgatory: a houseful of kittens.
• Purrmission: a feline hunting expedition.
• Purrpetual: everlasting feline love.
• Purrplex: a house with two or more cats.
• Purrson: a male kitten.
• Purrsuit: the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.
• Purrverse: a poem about a wicked kitty.
• Tooraloorailurophobia: an irrational fear of Irish cats.
• Tuner: sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.
• Yawn: a cat's honest opinion openly expressed.

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

** DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
** CHAIRS and RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
** BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
** HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
** WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
** BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move round.
** PLAY:
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.
CAT GAMES:
"Catch Mouse":
The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
"King of the Hill":
This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.
WARNING:
Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them.
This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
** TOYS:
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away.
Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys.
Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity.
** PAPER BAGS:
Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.
** FOOD:
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself.
The following are guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.
d) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent -- your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.
e) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.
** SLEEPING:
As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.
** SCRATCHING POSTS:
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!
** HUMANS:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
You will then have a smooth-running household.

What is a Dog?

What is a Dog?

• Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
• They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
• They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
• They growl when they are not happy.
• When you want to play, they want to play.
• When you want to be alone, they want to play.
• They are great at begging.
• They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
• They leave their toys everywhere.
• They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

What is a Cat?

What is a Cat?

• Cats do what they want.
• They rarely listen to you.
• They're totally unpredictable.
• They whine when they are not happy.
• When you want to play, they want to be alone.
• When you want to be alone, they want to play.
• They expect you to cater to their every whim.
• They're moody.
• They leave hair everywhere.
• They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

---

Cat Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To NEVER tell a human that
The world is really ruled by CATS!
~ Cats Lover

The Bachelor and his Cat

A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.
A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

Cat Jokes

Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

What is a cat's favourite song? Three Blind Mice.

What did the freshman computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had mice? Don't you have a cat?

What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.

How did a cat take first prize at the bird show? He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.

Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court? For kitty littering.

Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists? Because they finally opened their eyes.

Why are cats better than babies? Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.

What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes you.

What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.

What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.

What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show!

What is a cat's favourite colour? Purrrrrrrple!

Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.

What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.

What do cats use to make coffee? A purrcolator.

What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.

If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws.

Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he's in a bad mewd.

If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats.

Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.

How does the cat get its own way? With friendly purrsuasion.

What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew.

What has more lives than a cat? A frog because it croaks every night.

What is a cat's favourite subject in school? HISStory.

What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.

How do cats end a fight? They hiss and make up.

What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.

Why are cats such good singers? Because they're very mewsical.

What do you call newborn kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner? Chain litter.

What is the cat's favourite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.

How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.

Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it.

If a cat can jump five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot window? Because the window is closed.

What is a cat's favourite movie? "The Sound of Mewsic."

What does a cat that lives near the beach have in common with Christmas? Sandy Claws.

Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't? Your lap.

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